Transit Musings: Vulnerability 


Happy Friday! Good Friday morning. Cheers to the freakin weekend! This morning’s commute has me thinking about vulnerability. It’s been a big theme in my life recently. 

I don’t remember the exact day last week Infinite Spirit told me that I need to explore vulnerability; I need to be more vulnerable immediately. I was hoping it wasn’t saying that but it kept sending messages confirming that’s what it was. So I listened. 

It’s why some friendships and almost all of my previous romantic relationships ended. I wasn’t as open as I could be out of fear of being hurt or appearing foolish. But at 33, having been ‘hurt’ multiple times and appeared foolish multiple times, what I’m learning about being hurt or appearing foolish is that neither will kill you. Life will not freeze for you. Kids will keep growing. Taxes are still due and flowers will keep being flowers. There is still work to be done. 

Being vulnerable only feels scary because people have said it is scary and we believed them. But I just talked about how being hurt won’t kill us so what are we really afraid of then? 

I’d rather be vulnerable than let resentment build and suppressed anger naw away at me like a piranha. I have been notorious for doing both and it has never ended well. While I appeared cool and unaffected, I was crumbling inside. One comment away from it all caving in. 

I once had an ex say to me, “If something is bothering you, SAY SOMETHING.” He wanted me to open up and share my authentic self but I was so scared to look, what I felt was, foolish.

Do I want to look ok or do I want to BE ok? 

I spent many years looking ok. 

It’s time to 100% BE ok. Create a safe space for me and those in my life to share how we feel and do the work to move through feelings that don’t feel good to us. Don’t ignore the no feel good feelings, acknowledge them and MOVE THROUGH them. 

All feelings are are information if we are in alignment with what we want or not. 

I think for a long time, i was afraid to explore certain feelings for fear that I would get stuck in them, never to come out and my life would be doomed. Or that in sharing these feelings the other person or love interest would never want to talk to me or be with me ever again. I saw other people portray these feelings I deemed as undesirable and didn’t want to end up like them. It sounds silly now but it was a real rational thought to me for a long time. But I am not those people, I am Milan and I don’t have to live in any emotion that I don’t want to. And the people who truly love me will not leave my life so easily. We would be able to have more meaningful relationships. 

So since this divine message, I have allowed opportunities to be vulnerable. I haven’t gone on a witch hunt for them, that is not necessary, but when the opportunities arrive I will welcome them in for tea. 

I feel lighter. 

I feel free.